Control Freak or Positive Person of Influence – Who are You?

While enjoying a cup of coffee the other day, I was thinking about some of our world leaders, and wondered how many of them are, in reality, control freaks? How many of them are authentiv positive people of influence who show sincere care and compassion for all people? Then I was thinking about how effective mentoring qualities could transform so many of our world leaders.

During my career as a teacher and an employee of some non-governmental organizations, I worked under a variety of leaders. Some were inspiring, wonderful team players, with servant leader hearts. Others were more egocentric and continually wanted to be in the limelight. Others lacked charisma, got the job done, enjoyed the privileges that came with the job, yet seldom inspired or motivated those under their guidance.

I have had the privilege of holding leadership positions for most of my life and suspect that, if you asked members of different teams I led over the years to describe my leadership style, answers would probably result in a combination of the above descriptions. That’s the sad reality, though my hope is that most of them—especially in my later years with more maturity and life experiences—would say that I was first and foremost a team player who encouraged others to reach their unique potential.

I also hope that the majority would describe me more as a positive person of influence than as a control freak. What’s the differenbce?

Characteristics of a control freak

A control freak breeds fear, not trust, and feels threatened if someone stands up to them. Perhaps, deep, deep down there are some insecurities. The control freak doesn’t want people to know about these, so they build protective walls around themselves. Those under the control freak are reluctant to take calculated risks, as they fear the outcome.

As the control freak is always right, they will make assumptions which creates a lack of unity in a management team, divisiveness, and lots of superficial talk. There is little enjoyment or fun working in such an environment.

The control freak will not want to become too close to their employees or colleagues because they don’t want to appear vulnerable at any time. Therefore, they are only growing and developing people as far as the control freak will allow. Think of all the unique gifts and talents of individuals that are squashed by a control freak and the world is the real loser.

Humans are designed to partner with others i.e., to experience positive and meaningful relationships; and our brains need social connection to be vital and healthy. These are important points to remember, especially in the twenty-first century as the entrepreneurial spirit finds its feet, and the emphasis moves from individual to creative teamwork.

Co-creating conversations

Conversations are not just a way of sharing and exchanging information, ideas, thoughts or opinions; they actually trigger physical and emotional changes in the brain that either open us up to having a healthy, trusting conversation, or close us down so that we speak from fear, uncertainty, caution and worry.

Co-creating conversations have the power to literally rewire our brains, hence the positive impact a leader can have on someone’s life.

The key word, though, is trust.

Trust, neuroscientists tell us, is difficult to sustain when we are afraid to share our inner world. So, we need to know ourselves to be able to identify the signs of developing distrust before the amygdala is triggered. An overactive amygdala will result in feelings of fear and distrust closing down our brain (perhaps that emotional explosion!), as this is the part of the brain that protects us from harm, and is always listening for words and meanings that might threaten us. Then we can activate higher brain functions in the Executive brain (where the prefrontal cortex is—the key part of our brain that will be developing until our mid-20s), which results in feelings of empathy, judgement, and the development of more strategic skills. The result? We improve the social connection and are more likely able to progress positively.

When we develop those strong bonds of trust, the brain releases the feel-good chemicals (oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin) and the results are likely to be that we feel better and more positive; we feel more empowered to work out issues and challenges, and we are open to new experiences and ideas. Most important, self-empowerment results in better ownership of change.

Some research has suggested that the two least developed skills in the workplace are:

1. The ability to have uncomfortable conversations.
2. The ability to ask, “What if…?” questions.

These two skills are critical for building and sustaining trust and being open, honest and caring with one another.

Remember, too, the importance of the non-verbal part of our conversations, critically important in the development of meaningful mentoring relationships. In many ways it is more important than the actual verbal element in defining the meaning of our interactions i.e., body language, eye contact, tone of voice … all will assist with creating that atmosphere of trust.

5 Skills to develop to become a positive person of influence

Some tips I came across in my research to encourage personal and leadership development – become a positive person of influence – focus on the development of skills like the following:

1. Build rapport by focusing on getting on the same wavelength as the person with whom you are communicating.
2. Listen without judgement—this involves paying full attention to the other person as they speak, while consciously setting aside the human tendency to judge that person.
3. Ask discovery questions which open the minds of others to the power of curiosity—and innovation—as well as to the possibility of changing our views as we listen and learn.
4. Reinforce success—in other words, focus on seeing (envisioning) and validating what success looks like, as this enhances connectivity and honest sharing.
5. Dramatize the message—when you struggle to connect through speaking, try another method such as story-telling, or showing a picture to help explain what you are thinking and trying to share.

7 Steps to build trust

While we become a positive person of influence, we can continually work at building trust with those with whom we communicate, as we follow seven simple steps gathered from my research:

1. Be authentic. Be genuine, true to your unique personality, values and spirit at all times. Others see you, for example, as credible, legitimate, and authoritative—able to be trusted as being accurate, reliable and true.
2. Display empathy. Doing your best to try and understand how a person is feeling, what and why they are thinking this, non-judgmental—walk in their shoes for a while as best as you can, sometimes feeling the blisters.
3. Be present. Make yourself open to others by being tuned into your relationship environment. People want to connect and will do so when you are transparent – remember: “We’re all in this together.”
4. Tell people where they stand. People need to know where they stand so they can let go of their fears and questions like: “Am I good enough?”; “Do I belong?” When you let people know where they stand, this builds and strengthens positive and meaningful relationships.
5. Provide context in every communication. A picture with a frame becomes a different picture. Without background, fear can be elevated by confusion and uncertainty. Providing context moves people from uncertainty to understanding.
6. Be a catalyst co-creating in conversations: Frame conversations as dialogues rather than monologues, so people’s voices are heard. Create higher levels of engagement and co-creation so people can build a picture of ‘shared success’—growing people, and further empowering them.
7. Use honesty at all times. Tell the truth – tactfully and within the appropriate context.

The spirit of mentoring lies at the heart of effective leadership.

What are your experiences?

Perhaps you are communicating with youth and require some strategies and tips to connect with them and build meaningful relationships. My free podcasts are available to encourage you on that journey.