How do you respond when someone walks into your life and asks you to help them? This was my experience with Olivia.

Olivia was in her final year of school and was one of the top students academically. She approached me as she felt she needed some assistance to lead a more balanced and healthy lifestyle.

The previous year Olivia had obtained superb academic results but was starting to feel the pressure to achieve these results again.

She told me that, even though she had done really well, these results had come at a great personal cost. The stress had negatively impacted her health.

“I am tired of living like this. Please can you help me?”

“How many hours sleep a night are you having?” I interjected.

“Probably about five during the pressure times.”

“Well, therein could lie one problem, “ I suggested, “so let’s focus on the organisation of your time and how you plan, with at least nine hours sleep every night becoming a habit.”

Peaceful sleep rather than living a nightmare

Rule of thumb is that adolescents require nine hours sleep every night during these critical years of growth and while the brain is developing.

I remain continually puzzled that so many parents seem reluctant to ensure that their teenage children have a minimum of nine hours sleep every night.

More and more research points to the necessity of this, as puberty is kicking in and the brain is at an important stage of its developmental journey.

The brain needs sleep to dispose of unimportant information, lay down new learning and to process new information.

The brain needs sleep to regulate emotions.

Basically, the brain needs sleep to grow, change and re-energise so it can function properly during the following day. Indeed, scientists have learned that what our brain learns during the day is consolidated during sleep.

Author and brain researcher, Nicola Morgan, says there is more and more evidence now suggesting that our sleeping brains practise the things we do while we are awake.

Nicola describes how REM sleep (Rapid Eye Movement sleep), during which time our eyelids are flattering, happens at certain stages during the sleep cycle, particularly when we are experiencing deep sleep and dreaming. Research is now suggesting that REM sleep is particularly important for memory and learning.

During adolescence changes to the brain do affect the biological clock, a cluster of neurons that sends signals throughout the body and control fundamentally all of the internal operations, one of which is sleep.

Melatonin, the chemical that is released to induce sleep, is now distributed in the brain about an hour later, so the teenager, who is also striving to be more independent, trying to control their life, possibly working late anyway because of questionable management of time issues, has a problem.

Again, when we discuss all this with them — and most teenagers find the topic fascinating — and work out a new management of time plan, all will be well.

And, by the way, there will be times when teenagers do work late and get up early for school and, come the weekend, they might want to sleep for a long time. This is normal — let them do so.

Let’s get back to Olivia’s story.

One positive step at a time

A couple of weeks before Olivia approached me, I had delivered a presentation to all the students in their final year and their parents, sharing thoughts and strategies on how to approach the year ahead.

After my talk, Olivia’s mum approached me to thank me for all I had shared, and suggested to Olivia that she come and see me so I could help her plan her final year.

Olivia’s parents were successful professionals in their respective fields, and Olivia commented how much she wanted to please them, which had added to the pressures she was under.

So, I agreed to help Olivia on condition that she understood that our conversations would actually be geared towards preparing her for university the following year. She agreed to this.

The message I would often share with Olivia was that every day when she awoke to begin a new day, she was responsible for the choices she made. Every choice has a consequence. We unpacked the meaning of this often.

As we prepared to share thoughts and ideas, Olivia spoke of her goals for the rest of the year, not only her academic goals, but also her sporting, cultural and student leadership goals.

I began with focusing on sleep patterns, and management of time.

I encouraged Olivia to explore different options and eventually she would find the strategies that would ensure she reached her unique potential.

Within a couple of weeks she had moved to a place of having nine hours sleep a night and was already noticing the difference.

She had also started an exercise program and was reporting that she felt a lot less stressful, and was feeling happier as a person.

Nutrition is important

Not only is a consistent sleep pattern desired, but proper nutrition will also enhance the developing brains.

Psychologist, Andrew Fuller, has done a lot of work in this area over many years and his work supports other research which suggests that, where we pay attention to nutrition and cognition, memory, attention, stress and intelligence, there is a greater possibility of positive student achievement.

I have had conversations with so many students about the importance of eating a healthy breakfast, so that they are able to stay sharp and focused during their lessons.

Fortunately, this was a strength in Olivia’s lifestyle, though we monitored her healthy lifestyle through the year.

Be yourself; be authentic

Olivia and I had many discussions around the areas of peer pressure, managing a busy schedule well, appreciating that, as the year drew to a close and the focus moved to her final exams, she would have to cut back on her commitments.

I had noticed at a student leadership camp before the beginning of the school year, how Olivia arrived, sat down — students were seated in a large circle — and proceeded to silently check out all the other students.

Once I felt Olivia and I had connected and some trust had been created between us, I brought up this event, and simply said: “At the leadership camp I observed how you arrived and sat looking around at all the other students. Were you concerned about how you measured up? How you were dressed compared to others?”

She acknowledged that was exactly what she was thinking.

And so began many conversations about being oneself, being authentic, choosing one’s friends carefully, listening to the opinions of others with respect and empathy, also having fun.

One day Olivia arrived to tell me that she had made some decisions with regard to the friends she intended hanging around with. She had decided that those who were so negative were going to be excluded from her life at school, and she proceeded to action this with positive results.

Fear of failure

Olivia was a high achiever and terrified of failure, a common challenge to people of all ages.

We discussed the importance of taking calculated risks, of seeing, what might be interpreted as failure, as a learning curve on life’s journey, and simply to ask: “What can I take from this experience moving forward?”

Parental pressure did not help, and I was quietly trying to coach Olivia how to respond to parental pressure — a helicopter parenting style that was totally unhelpful to Olivia’s personal growth.

Things came to a head when Olivia and a group of friends — positive peer pressure — arranged to meet at the public library to work. It was also a great social time for them all.

When Olivia’s parents objected to this, Olivia threatened rebellion after her efforts to reason with her parents had stumbled.

I was pleased to see this development in Olivia’s personal growth occurring. I reminded her, though, that in a few months she would be away from home at university, able to do whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted. Was it worth the battle with her parents about going to the library?

Olivia looked at everything through a different lens and understood that this was a battle not worthy of the effort.

Goals achieved

While there were a few ups and downs through the year, Olivia worked hard to achieve a healthy and balanced lifestyle.

She obtained outstanding results at the end of the year, went on to university and excelled, and is now in her dream profession.

Occasionally she kept in touch with me at university. On one occasion it was to seek my encouragement about a relatinship issue causing great concern, and on another occasion it was to share a significant life choice she had made.

The highlight of the year for me was the note Olivia handed to me on her final day at school.

“I cannot thank you enough for your support and guidance this year. Thank you for all of our meetings, they have made a difference to my life and helped me to become a stronger and more resilient person. You have taught me so much about myself and about how to tackle whatever life throws at me. Thank you for listening to my worries and concerns and helping me to transform them into positive areas of growth that I did not even know I was capable of. You have been such a fantastic support system for me and you have set me on the perfect path to take on university and everything else that life has to offer. I will cherish the words I once said during one of our meetings, that “It doesn’t matter how I get there, as long as I get there,” and I will hold onto your many supportive emails over the year … I am so grateful that you were a significant part of my final year at school …”

The spirit of mentoring involves discussions between volunteer adult mentors and their adolescent mentees about effective sleep patterns, effective management of time, setting personal goals, and working out strategies to live healthy and balanced lives. The other life conversations occur as and when the young person desires these.

Have you a story to share about your experiences working in this area with a young person?

Cover photo: Daria Nepriakhina, Unsplash