How much do you value relationships?
Can you remember the relationships you had when you were an adolescent? Did you belong to a small clique, or did you have a wide circle of friends?
Or, were you a bit of a loner? Did you have a wise guide on the side, speaking to your potential? Do you have such a guide today?
Do you think more deeply about what meaningful relationships are all about?
As I played plenty of sport in my youth, I tended to hang out with some of my team members in the different teams in which I participated, which led to a wider circle of superficial friendships, though I had one or two closer friends who remained friends for many years.
As I reflected on my own relationships over the years, I was reminded of a conversation I had with 16-year-old Gabby who was working through relationship issues.
Gabby was keen to do well at school and was genuinely striving to fulfill her potential.. She had concerns about how she was handling the different pressures in her life, and approached me to have a discussion about all this.
Negative peer pressure
I had noticed that she was mixing with students whose behavior bordered on being antisocial, yet was not quite in that category. She was aware that she could be ‘labelled’ along with that crowd.
They were all great students, simply in different places on their adolescent journey, which led to inconsistent behavior with which Gabby admitted she struggled.
The negative peer pressure was beginning to impact her academic studies. She felt she was becoming easily distracted and beginning to underachieve.
So, our conversation moved to consider how to hang out with positive friends, as this dynamic often results in these young people pushing each other to greater heights and friendly rivalry.
There is much research these days which states that, other than parents, one’s peer relationships are the most important relationships in an adolescent’s life.
Gabby and I chatted about the importance of having different peer groups. Adolescents are renowned for having fall-outs with friends, and it’s a natural part of their adolescent journey. Girls, in particular, struggle more with relationship breakdowns than boys as a general rule — girls have also told me this!
It becomes important to have a sense of belonging to different groups so one can move around between these groups when relationships become strained.
When I shared with Gabby, I used the example above of how I moved around with different peer groups depending on which sport I played. In hindsight, I was probably quite fortunate with regard to peer relationships during those confusing adolescent years.
Positive peers
Positive peers seem to be more responsible, and community-minded people most of the time, less concerned with the instant gratification and entitlement way of life with which many youth – and others – struggle.
I have reflected more about the qualities of positive peers and offer some suggestions which anyone moving alongside a young person can share with those they encourage to reach their potential.
During challenging times, our relationships are critically important.
Teenagers, in particular, are searching for meaning and purpose in their lives. They want others to listen to them. They want people to care for them. There is a selfishness which they will work through, but they are vulnerable and often moody — this is normal.
POSITIVE PEERS — some tips
During the next couple of months, Gabby and I chatted about her life, her dreams and how to find meaning and purpose.
I shared the following POSITIVE PEERS points in different ways, and at different times to encourage her to move forward positively, and continue the development of resiliency, and a positive growth mindset. These points are applicable to anyone of any age, and can easily be adapted for a mentoring relationship.
Persistence — try hard; don’t give up; don’t get distracted; check work or tasks when completed, and do not be afraid to ask for help.
Organisation — plan and prioritize; set achievable and measurable goals; manage time effectively.
Self-confidence — “I can do it!”; I have gifts and talents and will succeed in some areas; I am capable and competent in certain areas. “I matter!”
Independent — willing to stand up for something I believe in; prepared to try new things/ways/methods/move out of my comfort zone.
Tolerance — acknowledge we are all human and make mistakes; try to be non-judgmental, and respectful of others.
Integrity — be honest with myself, about myself; respectful of myself and others; truthful; trustworthy.
Visualization — learn to paint a picture of myself doing/achieving my dreams/goals; see myself succeed; use positive action words; write my long-term goal or dream in the present tense, as though I have already achieved it. Never lose my sense of humor!
Experiment — take calculated, non life-threatening risks; have an open mind; give something a go!
Problem-solving — consider different responses to life situations, and relationship issues; think about the consequences of my actions on others.
Effort — realize that the harder I try the more successful I’ll be; my attitude determines my altitude!
Empathy — walk in someone else’s shoes; try to understand how others feel; reflect on the consequences of my actions and choices ‘I’ make.
Rules — accept the importance of boundaries in my life; rules are there for a positive purpose; create a happier more supportive world; make a positive difference where I can.
Structure — live a healthy and balanced lifestyle, including nine hours sleep a night; participate in school, sport, cultural social activities; value my family; never forget, that life must be FUN!, so I must not take myself too seriously.
These are some examples of the qualities POSITIVE PEERS can work hard to develop, especially with the support of parents and mentors.
What of Gabby? After about three or four months she thanked me for all our discussions. She had made some adjustments to her friendships, balanced her lifestyle better, and continued to finish the final eighteen months of her school career superbly.
Your words matter
I have always been inspired by these words allegedly shared by Rena, an ex-gang member:
“When I discovered that people cared about me — that they believed in my potential as a leader, that they wanted me to succeed — that changed my life. Having someone over your shoulder telling you that you are powerful and that even you can make a difference in your community is compelling.”
How about you? What qualities did you observe in your peer groups — many of these? Others?
